TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxurious real estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Of course, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are chatting Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be tremendous. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed with the putting environmentally friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A few of the greatest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and completely outside of area. Created by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until finally the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Certainly, absolutely sure, let us have A further area where American Adult men can have on robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas coverage analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though past negotiations failed underneath the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Everybody a suite to the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, full with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be smooth ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requires much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms installed in Just about every unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower inside of a war zone. It really is that he need to stop working with it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the project, replied, "You understand, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic becoming promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following finding the making's gold plating reflected a lot of sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not only unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," explained Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Features


Perhaps the strangest aspect from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium the place company may well ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Management established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Neighborhood Syrians are Not sure what for making of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing to some holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting System: "If You Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. 1 poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Yet another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting attention from Global investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll get 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will likely involve:




  • A Dollar Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Area According to the Iraq War





Remark Area Chaos


Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, Trump Tower Damascus user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to view a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge where my PTSD might have transform-down company."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Remaining Ideas from the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, along with a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It needed gold. It essential a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave everything a few. You might be welcome."

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